By Camilla Smith
I once had a friend (she is now deceased) whom I loved very much. She had a chronic illness and from time to time she would come to visit me. She would stay 2 or 3 weeks and I loved having her with me. I always dreaded the day I knew she was going to leave. One time, the afternoon of the day before she was scheduled to leave, I saw her packing up her things. In agitation, I asked her why she was doing that, in light of the fact that she wasn’t leaving til the next day. I have never forgotten her answer, and I say it to myself often. “It’s a little gift I give myself.”
Instead of being rushed the next day, and perhaps forgetting something, everything was in order. We could spend the last hours of our time together without stress, and she could be relaxed. I think of this often now about many things. If I feel like I’m running late and I could forget to make my bed, or leave dishes until the next morning, I think about how pleasant it will be when I go to bed to have a tidy orderly bed, or what a relief to wake up in the morning to a clean kitchen. There are many ways in which we can give little gifts to ourselves. Being proactive and taking care of things ahead of time is a great way.
Seeking help for mental health issues is another way. This is not only a gift we give ourselves but is also a gift we give to those around us. I have observed that extreme anger is part of the collateral damage of developmental trauma. Very few people connect their explosive temper and fits of rage to things that happened to them in childhood. It doesn’t take much time in therapy for these pieces to come together and fall into place and simply understanding the problem begins to make it much more manageable. Imagine the difference this makes for the entire family! Many other factors resulting from a chaotic and abusive childhood affect generations to come. The cycle of trauma and abuse is not easily broken. I am always impressed when a grown man comes into my office and says that he wants to work on his anger. Often, they come straight from work, still in work clothes, seeking the sanctuary of the counseling session where they can relax, feel calm and begin to do the work of facing their demons. These are the people I respect. I am not impressed by the high and mighty, (although sometimes I might be!) but the true heroes are those who have had a life of living hell and yet have the fortitude to face themselves and make changes. This is the gift they give themselves and all those who come in contact with them, most especially their families. A little extra time, a little extra effort on the front end makes things so much easier up the road!
It has been said that all short-term fixes for the things that make us feel bad on the inside, such as drugs, alcohol, self-harm, promiscuous behavior, certainly medicate the pain in the moment, but there is always collateral damage up the road. This is true without fail. There is not a quick fix, no short cut, no way to sidestep the real issues. Do yourself and those around you a favor! Give everyone a gift! Learn to know yourself and by so doing you will learn to love yourself. Others will love you too!